It’s late July and that means it’s time for Shark Week. The popular week-long shark infested programing hit the airwaves 35 years ago on The Discovery Channel, making the toothy predator a terrifying summer icon.
This shark week is a bit different, a new selachimorpha is on the scene and this one is high. Cocaine sharks apparently have been ingesting bags of cocaine seemingly dumped by drug traffickers off the coast of Florida for many years. The popularity of Cocaine Bear has led to a new interest in Cocaine Sharks.
Taking advantage of their new celebrity the sharks are seeking representation. The aquatic addicts have a cameo in an upcoming episode of Pete Davidson’s show Bupkis and were later seen partying with the comedian on the shore of Staten Island.
The sharks recently visited the White House where they broke the rule leave no trace, and Hunter Biden set up a deal with Groupon, called Swim with the Fishes which allowed people to swim and do lines with the group. Participants said it was unreal but was scary when the sharks all suffered from nosebleeds at the same time and went into a feeding frenzy. Thankfully, all the customers reached land safely.
Fame always requires relocation to the west coast, and the coked-out sharks are no exception, and are setting up home in the bay area. The move was strategic since California is very lenient and have a water-based Safe Ingestion Services Task Force.
The task force allows the sharks to get high, but in return they must add more diversity to their victims. Hey, it’s California, right? Since, the sharks mainly devour youngish to middle aged men, they now must target elderly women at the local senior living apartments. Not as tasty, but it’s an easy smash and grab snack with no repercussions from law enforcement.
Influencers on social media have made their way to San Francisco’s iconic Fisherman’s Wharf, taking selfies with the celebrity cocaine sharks. One Instagram personality said “It was dope! I was worried it would be my last post, but so worth it for the likes!” Another said “Yea, it’s less dangerous than taking a selfie with country singer Miranda Lambert”.
Cocaine Sharks airs on The Discovery Channel Wednesday July 26 at 10pm EST.